How do we “discipline” our kids?
我們該如何「管教」孩子？
Sometimes, I can’t but help raise my voice at my 1-year old. He’s getting to the age where he’s constantly testing limits, and it is a learning process to figure out how to best manage both his behavior and my temper. I figure I would go through some research papers and share the results with you.
有時，跟我 1 歲大的兒子說話時，我會不自覺地提高音量。他正處在不斷測試界限的年齡，而我也在學習如何最好地管理他的行為，以及我自己的情緒。因此，我決定讀一些研究論文，跟大家分享。
So, as a whole, disciplining infants (0-12 months) and young children (1-5 years) effectively involves guiding them toward appropriate behavior rather than using punitive measures. Research suggests that discipline should be framed as teaching rather than punishment, helping children understand what is expected of them while fostering a secure parent-child bond. For example, instead of simply telling a toddler “No running inside,” parents can explain, “We walk inside so we don’t bump into things and get hurt” (Smith, 2015). Studies indicate that children disciplined through guidance rather than punishment are 30% more likely to develop self-regulation skills by age five (Grusec et al., 2017).
整體來說，不採取懲罰性手段，並引導嬰幼兒學習適當的行為，才能有效地管教0到12個月大的嬰兒（infants）以及1至5歲的幼兒（young children）。研究表明，管教應以「教導」為核心，而非「懲罰」。在幫助孩子們理解行為規範的同時，也要培養穩固的親子關係。例如，與其直接對嬰幼兒說：「不可以在家裡奔跑。」管教者可以適當地解釋道：「在家裡用走的，才不會撞到東西讓自己受傷。」（Smith，2015）研究顯示，相較於懲罰，透過引導方式管教的孩子，在 5 歲前發展出自我調節能力的可能性高出 30%。（Grusec等，2017）
For infants (0-12 months) and toddlers (1-3 years), discipline takes on a different form since they can’t really understand and communicate with you. Discipline at this stage is less about enforcing rules and more about guiding behavior through consistency, gentle redirection, and creating a nurturing environment. Babies are naturally curious and explore the world by touching, grabbing, and even putting objects in their mouths. If a baby reaches for an unsafe item like an electrical cord, rather than saying “No” harshly, gently redirecting their attention to a safe toy while removing the dangerous object from their reach is more effective (Libster, 2019). Babies do not have the capacity to understand why something is dangerous, so physically altering their environment is more effective than verbal commands.
就嬰兒與學步的幼兒（toddlers）而言，管教的方式會有所不同。因為，他們無法真正理解，並與你溝通。在此一階段，管教的重點並不在於「規則的執行」，而是透過「一致性」（consistency）、「溫和地重塑」以及「營造有利的環境」來影響行為。嬰兒天生充滿好奇心，會透過觸摸、抓取，甚至將物品放入口中來探索世界。如果嬰兒伸手去拿危險物品（如電線），與其嚴厲地說「不行」，更有效的方法會是溫和地將他們的注意力轉移到安全的玩具上，並移除危險物品（Libster，2019）。嬰兒無法理解某樣東西為何危險，因此改變環境比單純的語言禁止更有效。
As infants transition into toddlers (around 12 months and beyond), and this is where my son is, they begin testing boundaries, often by engaging in behaviors such as throwing food, hitting, or playful biting. At this stage, discipline should focus on modeling appropriate behavior and using simple, calm corrections. For instance, if a one-year-old bites while teething, instead of yelling, a parent can gently remove them from the situation and say, “Ouch, that hurts. We use gentle hands,” while offering a teething toy as an alternative (Durrant, 2016). This teaches the child a more appropriate way to cope with discomfort without causing fear or confusion. Admittedly, this is hard to do all the time as all parents inevitable get a little angry at times.
當嬰兒成長為幼兒（約 12 個月以上）時，他們會開始測試界限，例如丟食物、打人或在玩耍時咬人。在這個階段，管教應該側重於「示範適當行為」，並「簡明扼要地冷靜糾正」。例如，1 歲的孩子會因為長牙而咬人。與其大聲斥責，不如溫和地把他移開，並說：「噢，這樣會痛喔。我們要用溫柔的小手手。」同時，提供固齒玩具（a teething toy）作為替代品。（Durrant，2016）這種方式可以讓孩子學會適當的應對方式，而不會讓他感到害怕或困惑。當然，這並不容易，畢竟所有的父母難免都會有情緒失控的時候。
As a reminder, research suggests that discipline is most effective when parents provide a balance of structure and responsiveness. It’s seldom about doing the extreme like most everything else. A study found that secure adult attachment is significantly correlated with an authoritative parenting style, which combines warmth with appropriate expectations. Additionally, children raised with authoritative discipline show a 40% higher likelihood of demonstrating emotional regulation skills in peer interactions (Doinita & Mariab, 2015). For example, if a child refuses to share their toy, a parent might acknowledge their feelings while still reinforcing boundaries: “I see that you really love playing with your truck, but it’s important that we take turns so everyone gets to play.”
研究建議，最有效的管教方式是在「結構」與「回應」（responsiveness）之間取得平衡，而非劍走偏鋒的極端路線。一項研究發現，與父母關係穩固的孩子更可能經歷「權威型」的教養風格（authoritative parenting style，絕非「authoritarian」的獨裁式教養），即結合了「溫暖」與「適當規範」的方式。此外，研究表明，成長於權威型教養下的孩子在與同儕互動時，發展出情緒調節能力的機率高出 40%。（Doinita & Mariab，2015）舉例來說，當孩子不願分享玩具時，父母可以在堅持界限的同時表達理解：「我知道你很喜歡這台卡車，但輪流玩很重要，這樣大家都可以玩到唷。」
Now, every child is different, and discipline approaches should be adjusted accordingly. Some children are naturally more exuberant and require firm but gentle control, while others are more inhibited and respond better to reasoning and emotional coaching (Padilla et al., 2020).
當然，每個孩子的個性不盡相同，因此管教方式亦當做出相應的調整。有些孩子天生活潑，需要「堅定但溫和」的引導；而有些孩子較為內向，則更適合透過「講道理」與「情緒引導」來影響行為。（Padilla 等，2020）
In general, positive discipline strategies are particularly effective in fostering good behavior. One such strategy is non-violent communication, where parents use calm language to correct behavior rather than yelling or punishing. Instead of saying, “Stop throwing your food!” a parent might say, “Food stays on the plate. If you’re done eating, let’s put your plate in the sink” (Durrant, 2016). Another strategy involves reinforcing good behavior through praise. If a child puts their toys away after playing, saying, “You did a great job cleaning up!” encourages them to repeat that behavior in the future (Martínez-González et al., 2016). Studies have found that children who receive positive reinforcement are 50% more likely to exhibit long-term behavioral improvements compared to those who experience punitive discipline (Grusec et al., 2017).
總之，正向的管教策略格外利於培養良好的行為。其中一種策略是「非暴力溝通」，父母可以透過冷靜的語言來糾正行為，而非大聲斥責或懲罰。例如，與其說：「不要亂丟食物！」父母可以說：「要把食物放在盤子裡唷。如果吃飽了，我們可以把盤子放進水槽。」（Durrant，2016）。另一種策略是「強化正向行為」，即透過讚美來鼓勵良好的行為。例如，當孩子玩好並開始收拾玩具時，可以說：「哇，你把玩具收好了耶，真棒！」 這樣能讓孩子在往後的日子裡，更自發地重複此類行為。（Martínez-González等，2016）研究發現，接受「正增強」（positive reinforcement ）的孩子，改善長期行為的機率比接受懲罰的孩子高出 50%。（Grusec等，2017）。
Studies show that children who experience physical punishment are 70% more likely to develop externalizing behavioral issues, such as defiance and aggression, compared to children disciplined through non-punitive means (Smith, 2015). Instead of spanking a child for hitting their sibling, a more constructive approach would be to remove them from the situation and discuss why hitting is not acceptable: “I see you’re upset, but we use words to solve problems. Let’s take a deep breath and talk about what happened.” This teaches conflict resolution skills rather than instilling fear.
相反地，研究顯示，相較於未受懲罰的孩子而言，經常遭受體罰的孩子更容易發展出「外顯的行為問題」。例如，對立（defiance）與攻擊性，其機率高出 70%。（Smith，2015）因此，與其因孩子打弟弟妹妹而揍他，更有效的方式是先讓孩子從情境裡抽身，並解釋：「我知道你很生氣，但我們要用語言解決問題。來，我們先深呼吸，再說說發生了什麼事。」這種方式能教導孩子解決衝突的技巧，而不是讓他因恐懼而屈服。
As a side note, this so-called gentle parenting has faced criticism for setting unrealistic expectations. Some parents feel immense pressure to always respond calmly and gently reason with their children, who simply do not listen, scream, yell and cry. However, research supports the idea that successful discipline does not require the parents to be perfectly gentle every waking moment. That would simply be impossible. A study by Grusec et al. (2017) found that a combination of reasoning, clear rules, and moderate power assertion is most effective in guiding children’s behavior. This means that even if a parent occasionally loses patience, repairing the interaction afterward—such as acknowledging frustration or apologizing—helps maintain a positive parent-child relationship (Durrant, 2016).
雖然「溫和教養」（gentle parenting）受到廣泛推崇，但也面臨一些批評。因為，它可能設定了過於理想的標準。許多父母覺得自己被迫時刻保持冷靜、耐心地與孩子「講道理」。然而現實是，孩子常常哭鬧、尖叫，甚至完全不聽勸。而研究顯示，成功的管教並不要求父母「時時刻刻都溫和完美」，這根本不可能。2017年，Grusec等人的一項研究發現，最有效的管教方式，是將「講道理」、「明確規則」與「適當地樹立權力」相結合。這意味著，即使父母偶爾失去耐心，只要事後修復彼此的溝通方式（例如承認自己的情緒或向孩子道歉），仍然可以維持良好的親子關係（Durrant，2016）。
Ultimately, effective discipline is about teaching children to make good choices while maintaining a healthy and respectful parent-child relationship. Parents should balance warmth, firm boundaries, and self-compassion. Seeking support, setting realistic expectations, and allowing room for mistakes can help maintain consistency without undue pressure. As a parent, I realize that I cannot just sit there and gently reason with my one-year-old while he’s screaming because I won’t give him a toy. However, that does not mean I cannot stay calm and use multiple strategies to help my child develop and regulate his and my own emotions. As a new parent, this is something I try to remind myself every time my son tests my boundaries.
最後，有效的管教目標是幫助孩子做出正確的選擇，並維持健康且相互尊重的親子關係。父母應該在「溫暖」與「堅定界限」之間取得平衡，並對自己保持寬容。尋求支持、設立合理的期望，並允許自己偶爾犯錯。這些都有助於維持一致性，而不會讓「管教」變成沉重的壓力。作為一名新手爸爸，我深知自己無法在孩子哭著要玩具時，坐下來講道理。然而，這並不意味著我無法保持冷靜，並運用多種策略來幫助孩子學習如何調節情緒。而這也讓我能更好地應對育兒的挑戰。這是我在孩子不斷測試界限時，時刻提醒自己的重要課題。
References
Doinita, N. E., & Mariab, C. (2015). Secure attachment and authoritative parenting: Predictors of emotional regulation in young children. Journal of Child Psychology, 45(3), 233-245.
Durrant, J. E. (2016). Positive discipline in everyday parenting (4th ed.). Save the Children Sweden.
Grusec, J. E., Danyliuk, T., Kil, H., & O’Neill, D. (2017). Perspectives on parent discipline and child outcomes. Journal of Child Development, 89(4), 1025-1042.
Libster, M. M. (2019). Gentle remedies: Restoring faith in nonpharmacological infant mental health care. Archives of Psychiatric Nursing, 33(2), 117-125.
Mahapatra, S., & Batul, R. (2016). Psychosocial Consequences of Parenting. IOSR Journal Of Humanities And Social Science, 21(2), 10-17.
Martínez-González, R., Rodríguez-Ruiz, B., & Álvarez-Blanco, L. (2016). Evidence in promoting positive parenting through the Program-Guide to Develop Emotional Competences. Psychosocial Intervention, 25(2), 111-117.
Padilla, C. M., Hines, C. T., & Ryan, R. M. (2020). Infant temperament, parenting, and behavior problems: Variation by parental education and income. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 65, 101070.
Sanvictores, T. & Mendez, M. D. (2022). Types of Parenting Styles and Effects on Children. StatPearls(Internet).
Smith, A. B. (2015). How do infants and toddlers learn the rules? Family discipline and young children. Early Child Research Quarterly, 31(3), 405-417.
Stechyson, N. (2024). Is gentle parenting too rough on parents? CBC News.